Sonny the Alien

Sonny sat at the kitchen table with a laptop open, several sheets of paper spread around him, and a pencil tucked behind his ear.

Chad walked in and stopped. “What are you doing…and why is our kitchen table covered in paper?”

Sonny looked up. “I took a special subbing assignment in home economics today. The students would not stop discussing this ‘March Madness.’ I am studying it.”

Chad nodded slowly. “Okay. Respect.”

Sonny looked back at his laptop. “At first I thought it was a mental disorder caused by the shifting of the clock.”

Chad reached into the fridge. “Naturally.”

Sonny continued. “But then I learned it is a single elimination tournament for the sport of intercollegiate basketball.”

Chad grabbed a bottle of chocolate milk. “Yeah…technically speaking.”

Sonny took the pencil from his ear and pointed it at the screen. “I have reviewed team records, strength of schedule, offensive efficiency, defensive efficiency, injury reports, coaching tendencies, rebounding rates, turnover percentages, and historical upset patterns.”

Chad sat down. “Uhh…okay.”

Sonny reached out and picked up one of the pieces of paper from the table. “I have also created a weighted prediction model…I am prepared to dominate the bracket.”

Chad leaned back. “It’s that serious, huh?”

Sonny looked over. “What data did you use to pick your bracket?”

Chad took a drink of his chocolate milk. “Vibes.”

Sonny stared at him.

Chad shrugged. “And mascots.”

Sonny’s face tightened. “…mascots?”

Chad grabbed a sports magazine and flipped it open. “Yeah. Like, if it’s a tiger versus a bird, I usually go tiger. Predator energy.”

Sonny slowly turned his laptop toward him. “I have spent three hours building a predictive framework.”

Chad nodded. “And I spent four minutes becoming spiritually aligned with the bracket.”

Sonny sat back in his chair. “That is not a method.”

Chad didn’t look up. “That’s where you’re wrong, dude. That is the method.”

Sonny frowned. “Humans claim to value reason. Yet you decide things based on ‘vibes’.”

Chad smirked. “Got us this far.”

Chad picked up his phone and started scrolling. “Whoa…High Point took down Wisconsin.”

Sonny snapped his head over and threw up his hands. “…vibes!”

Chad grinned. “Vibes.”

Sonny grabbed his Earth Log device and began typing.

Humans choose outcomes based on something called “vibes”. As they are the dominant species on Earth, it appears to be effective. I do not understand it. Chad’s bracket is crushing mine.

Sonny sat at the kitchen table, sipping his tea and reading the newspaper.

Chad walked in. Green shirt. Green hat. Green beads.

Sonny looked up. “…why are you dressed as the color of Earth vegetation?”

Chad looked down at his outfit. “It’s St. Patrick’s Day, dude.”

Sonny nodded slowly. “…and that requires you to resemble plant life?”

Chad started making coffee. “It’s tradition.”

Sonny considered this. “…what is the purpose of the tradition?”

Chad shrugged. “People wear green and go to bars to drink.”

“…why?”

Chad paused. “…honestly, I’m not totally sure.”

Sonny thought about this. “So the ritual involves dressing in a chlorophyll-like manner and becoming intoxicated.”

“Pretty much.”

Sonny nodded thoughtfully. “Did Saint Patrick do these things?”

Chad grabbed a mug from the cupboard. “I doubt it.”

Sonny put the paper down. “Then it seems the humans have misunderstood the assignment.”

Chad looked over. “I guess so. You gonna come out tonight?”

Sonny clasped his hands and put them to his mouth. “Will there be intoxicated plant-like humans?”

Chad smirked. “Oh yeah.”

Sonny looked over at Chad and nodded. “Then yes. This I must observe.”

He took out his Earth Log device and started typing.

Humans celebrate another human called Saint Patrick by wearing the color of chlorophyll and imbibing alcoholic beverages. Chad says this is normal. I must observe.

Earth Log Entry #11: A Whole Different Operating System

Sonny, Vanessa, and Chad arrived exactly ten minutes early to the Fighting for Our Youth Annual Charity Gala.

Vanessa checked in at the front table.

Within thirty seconds she had learned the volunteer’s name, complimented her earrings, and asked how long she’d been involved with the organization.

Sonny leaned toward Chad. “Is she interrogating the staff?”

Chad shrugged. “She’s being friendly.”

Vanessa waved them over. “Guys! This is Melissa!”

Melissa smiled. “Welcome, nice to meet you!”

Sonny nodded politely. “…what are your intentions with this event?”

Melissa blinked. “My intentions?”

Vanessa laughed. “Oh my goodness, Sonny.”

Then she smiled at Melissa. “Sorry, he doesn’t get out much.”

Everyone laughed.

Sonny looked at Chad. “…that was a normal question.”

They walked toward the coat check.

Vanessa immediately struck up another conversation. “Oh my gosh I love your tie.”

The coat check attendant lit up. “Oh, thank you! My girlfriend got it for me.”

Sonny whispered to Chad. “She knows his relationship status already.”

Chad chuckled. “Sonny, that’s Firecracker for you. She makes friends faster than anyone I’ve ever met.”

Sonny nodded slowly. “Smart. The coat guardian controls access to the outer garments. This is a strategic alliance.”

Chad started fixing his tie. “It’s a coat check, Sonny.”

Vanessa disappeared into the room, and within minutes she had joined a small group laughing near the bar. Then another group near the stage. Then another group near the dessert table.

Sonny watched her move effortlessly from conversation to conversation. “Chad…she is forming alliances. She may control the room by midnight.”

Chad sipped his drink. “She’s networking.”

Sonny scanned the room. “I count fourteen new friends.”

“Sounds about right.”

Vanessa waved them over again. “Guys, come meet Greg!”

Greg shook Sonny’s hand enthusiastically. “Nice to meet you!”

Sonny studied him carefully. “…what are your intentions with Vanessa?”

Greg blinked. “My intentions?”

Vanessa groaned. “He’s joking.”

Sonny turned to Chad. “I am not joking.”

Chad patted his shoulder. “You’ll get used to it.”

Across the room Vanessa was already talking to three more people.

Sonny watched her for a long moment. “Chad…how many friends does one human require?”

Chad shrugged. “Depends on the human.”

Sonny looked at the room.

Then at Vanessa.

Then back at Chad.

After a long pause he sighed. “…I miss the apartment.”

He took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Some humans possess enormous social capacity and appear to enjoy interacting with other humans for no clear reason. Vanessa is one of these humans. I do not understand it. I must return to the quiet confines of the apartment soon.

Earth Log Entry #10: Attack from Above

Sonny and Chad sat on the couch watching television.

A calm evening. Peaceful. Predictable.

Then—

THUUUUD.

The ceiling shook.

Sonny froze.

“…Chad.”

“Yeah.”

“…something large has fallen.”

Chad didn’t look away from the TV. “They’re home.”

A long scraping, rolling sound rumbled across the ceiling.

RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Sonny’s eyes widened. “They are transporting a boulder.”

Chad shrugged. “Probably a chair.”

“Chad. This is not the sound of furniture. This is the sound of geological activity.”

Another BOOM.

Dust drifted from the ceiling vent.

Sonny stood up. “We must evacuate. Their structural integrity is questionable.”

“They do this sometimes,” Chad said. “Not much you can do.”

Sonny paced. “I must catalogue the noises.”

He began counting on his fingers. “Rolling object. Heavy footsteps. Sudden impacts. Occasional screaming.”

Chad nodded. “Yup.”

Sonny stopped. “…do you believe they are conducting ritual combat?”

Chad finally looked at him. “I think they just don’t take their shoes off.”

Another long roll across the ceiling.

Sonny stared upward. “…Chad.”

“Yeah.”

“If this is a chair…it is the largest chair on Earth.”

Chad sipped his drink. “Desk chair on hardwood.”

Sonny blinked. “…they are rolling across the floor while seated?”

“Yep.”

“…why?”

Chad shrugged. “Human.”

A violent THUD rattled the light fixture.

Sonny whispered, “They have dropped the boulder again.”

Chad muted the TV. “Alright. That one might’ve been a boulder.”

Sonny sat back down slowly.

“I have determined something important, Chad.”

“What’s that?”

“Earth dwellings are vertically incompatible with peace.”

Chad nodded. “You want the top floor next time, don’t you?”

Sonny stared at the ceiling as another rumble passed overhead.

“…yes.” A pause. “…but then I would become the problem.”

Chad smiled. “Now you’re getting it.”

Sonny folded his hands. “I will begin walking exclusively on my toes out of respect for the lower humans.”

Another thunderous THUD shook the ceiling.

Sonny looked up. “…they do not share this philosophy.”

Chad unmuted the TV. “Welcome to apartment life, buddy.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Humans living communally must endure one another’s noise. Some are less conscientious. Structural integrity remains…uncertain. Objective: Acquire top floor apartment. Walk exclusively on toes.

Earth Log Entry #9: Love Bites

Sonny had been awake for an hour. He sat at the kitchen table eating a protein bar and reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Chad shuffled in, half-conscious.

“Good morning, Chad,” Sonny said cheerfully.

“Morning,” Chad croaked.

Chad started his coffee and grabbed the newspaper. “Ahh, Valentine’s Day. Just another day for us single people.”

Sonny stopped chewing. “Valentine’s Day?” he asked, tilting his head like a confused puppy.

Chad didn’t look up. “Yeah. Holiday where you celebrate love with your special person and blah blah blah. What are you and Firecracker doing?”

Sonny slowly set his book down. “A…love holiday?”

“Yeah. Happens every year.”

“EVERY year? And it is TODAY?”

“Yep.”

Sonny stood abruptly and began pacing. “My romantic standing on this planet may be in jeopardy.”

He sat back down and stared intensely at Chad. “What is the minimum acceptable tribute?”

Chad sipped his coffee. “Red roses. Chocolates. Stuffed animal. Dinner. Some people go bigger.”

Sonny leaned closer. “If I fail to perform adequately, will she withdraw her warmth?”

Chad flipped to the sports section. “…Potentially.”

Sonny grabbed a notepad and began writing furiously out loud. “Ten dozen red roses. Five boxes of chocolates. Three giant teddy bears. Dinner at Earth’s finest restaurant.”

Chad glanced over. “That’s way too much, dude.”

Sonny didn’t blink. “Overdeliver. Establish dominance.”

“She might be freaked out.”

Sonny stood, staring into the distance. “It is a risk I am prepared to assume.”

He grabbed his Earth Log Device and began typing.

Humans create holidays for many variables, including love. I was blindsided. I have recalibrated. I will dominate. Concern: Spatial limitations within my vehicular transportation.

Earth Log Entry #8: Sustenance Sticker Shock

Sonny and Chad sat in the booth waiting for their food.

Sonny was vibrating with excitement. “I have ordered optimally for muscle growth, Chad.”

Chad nodded. “Nice.”

A burger. Extra patty. Side of fries. Cheese curds. Dessert. Two waters.

Chad ordered a sandwich and a beer.

The food arrived and Sonny went to work like a construction crew demolishing a building.

Ten minutes later, nothing remained but crumbs and satisfaction.

Sonny leaned back. “That was outstanding. I feel prepared to lift a vehicle.”

The waitress dropped the check.

Chad picked it up. Paused. “…huh.”

Sonny tilted his head. “Is there an issue?”

Chad turned the check around.

$93.47

Sonny blinked.

“Chad.”

“Yeah.” Chad reached for his wallet.

“This paper says we have purchased an entire week of groceries.”

Chad shrugged. “Yeah, restaurants are kinda pricey now.”

Sonny pointed. “What is this ‘side of fries’ charge? The fries did not accompany the burger?”

“Nope.”

“And this ‘credit card surcharge’…they are charging us…for paying them?”

“Yep.”

“And we must also give them additional money because they carried the food ten feet to this table?”

“Uh huh.”

Sonny stared at the check like it had insulted his family.

“So the process is this,” Sonny said slowly. “They source and cook the food for less than we pay. We pay extra for parts of the food. We pay extra for using money. We pay extra for them to walk it to us. And then we leave.”

Chad nodded. “Pretty much.”

Sonny leaned back. “Chad…this establishment is a scam.”

Chad laughed. “You still wanna come back?”

Sonny thought for a long time. “…only if we are celebrating something very important. Like surviving a small war.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

The cost of food varies wildly on Earth. It appears I have located the upper limit. Chad does not seem fazed by this. I will be returning to ALDI immediately.

Earth Log Entry #7: Killer Atmosphere

Sonny and Chad were on the couch watching the news. The weatherman came on and said there’s a quick-moving cold front coming in and the lows will dip into the negatives tomorrow morning.

Sonny cocked his head to the side. “Chad…the temperature will be less than zero tomorrow morning?”

Chad didn’t look up from his phone. “Yeah.”

Sonny looked at him incredulously. “Zero is where numbers stop. That is the bottom. You have gone past the bottom. You have invented new cold.”

Chad glanced at the TV. “Yeah. Happens every year around this time.”

Sonny sat forward. “So the atmosphere could actually kill you?”

Chad shrugged. “Yeah, if you’re outside long enough, I guess. Gonna make for a cold morning commute.”

Sonny blinked slowly. “You’re going to leave the safety of our domicile and risk certain death…to go to work?”

Chad put his phone down. “Yeah, dude. The world doesn’t stop because it gets cold. I got a meeting with the head honcho tomorrow. Might be getting a raise.”

Sonny pulled out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Parts of Earth suffer from extreme cold at different times of the year. Too long in these temperatures means painful and certain death. Chad says it isn’t a big deal, and he’ll risk his life for money. I’ll be on standby to notify his next of kin.

Sonny then sat back, a concerned look on his face. “You’re really going to risk painful, certain death…for money?”

Chad stood up, thought about it for a second, and shrugged. “Yeah. I guess.”

Earth Log Entry #6: Miniature Predators and Domestic Trust

Sonny arrived at her residence precisely on time.

He was wearing clean shoes. He had brought a bottle of wine he did not understand. He was optimistic.

She opened the door smiling.

“Hi Sonny!”

“Hello,” Sonny said. “Your dwelling appears pleasant and structurally sound. Also, your Raiders flag out front is very aesthetically pleasing.”

“Thanks,” she said, stepping aside. “Oh, and just so you know, I have a kitten.”

Sonny froze. “…a what?”

Before she could answer, something small darted across the floor.

Quick. Agile. Low to the ground.

Sonny’s pupils dilated. “That,” he said carefully, “is a tiny juvenile felid.”

She laughed. “That’s Milo. He’s just a baby.”

The kitten stopped, crouched, and pounced on a dust particle with lethal enthusiasm.

Sonny leaned down slightly. “On my planet,” he said, “predators of this size are not trusted indoors.”

She knelt and scooped the kitten up. “He’s harmless.”

The kitten purred gently and swatted the air.

Sonny straightened. “He has knives on his paws.”

She smiled. “They’re tiny.”

“Yes,” Sonny said. “So is his moral compass.”

They moved to the couch. The kitten immediately climbed onto Sonny’s lap.

Sonny did not move.

“I believe it is assessing me,” he said. Milo kneaded Sonny’s leg aggressively.

Sonny’s breathing changed.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

Sonny blinked rapidly. “My sinuses are declaring war.”

She tilted her head. “Are you allergic?”

Sonny nodded. “Violently.”

His eyes began watering. His skin flushed a deeper shade of #e88368. “I am experiencing full immune rebellion,” he said calmly.

The kitten head-butted his chest and purred.

“This creature is both attacking and comforting me,” Sonny said. “I do not understand its strategy.”

She laughed. “He likes you!”

“I may not survive his affection,” Sonny replied.

He stood abruptly. “I must initiate emergency protocol.”

He moved quickly to the entryway, searched his gym bag, grabbed the allergy pills Chad had given him, and popped one. The kitten sauntered over to him, tail high, unbothered by the proceedings.

Sonny looked down at it, eyes red, voice congested. “You are small,” he said. “You are efficient. And you will be the end of me.”

The kitten meowed. Sonny nodded.

“A worthy foe.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and started typing.

Humans invite predators into their homes and call them family. The predators are small, emotionally manipulative, and lethal to my species. I am willing to endure this for mating purposes. This seems unwise. The felid has won this battle.