Sonny the Alien

Earth Log Entry #15: Animal Instinct

Sonny sat on the couch staring at his phone. Vanessa had just sent a message.

He read it again slowly. “…Chad.”

Chad looked over. “Yeah?”

Sonny didn’t look up from his phone. “Vanessa says a male human she attended middle school with has asked her to get lunch.”

Chad nodded. “Okay.”

Sonny looked over at Chad. “…okay?”

“Yeah. Old friend catching up.” Chad answered.

Sonny frowned. “Chad.”

Chad flipped the channel on the TV. “Yeah.”

Sonny sat forward and set his phone down on the coffee table. “Why would a human male invite another male’s romantic partner to consume food privately?”

Chad didn’t look away from the TV. “Because they’re old friends.”

Sonny put his hand on his chin. “I do not believe that is the complete explanation.”

Chad flipped the channel again. “What explanation do you think it is?”

Sonny leaned back, put his feet on the coffee table, and crossed his arms. “It is one-on-one time with another male.”

“Sure.” Chad said.

Sonny continued. “Private conversation increases emotional bonding.”

Chad shrugged. “Sometimes.”

Sonny pointed at his phone sitting on the coffee table. “Therefore, objectively, this situation has the potential for romantic escalation.”

Chad sat forward and looked over at Sonny. “Dude, not every interaction between men and women is a mating ritual. And it’s Firecracker…she’s going to have lots of male friends. It doesn’t mean she’s interested in them romantically.”

Sonny crossed his arms again. “Your words ring hollow in the face of territorial instinct.”

Chad continued. “I get it, dude. But she’s not going to put one over on you. I mean, she told you about it.”

Sonny sighed. “Yes. You are correct. She is certainly rooted in truth.”

Chad sat back. “There you go.”

Sonny grabbed his glass of water from the coffee table and took a slow sip. “I still feel my territory is being infringed upon.”

Chad shrugged. “Welcome to being human.”

Sonny smirked and took another sip. “Yeah. Human.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Earth romantic relationships are incredibly complex and nuanced. They also invoke a human-like territorial instinct I’ve not felt before. It is unpleasant. Being what humans call “single” was much simpler.

Earth Log Entry #14: The Suspicious Faucet

Sonny and Chad were at the mall.

Chad needed new pants for work. Sonny needed new joggers.

Sonny stopped mid-stride.

“I seem to have imbibed a bit too much hydrogen hydroxide. I am going to utilize the public restroom.”

Chad didn’t look up from his phone. “Cool. I’ll wait here.”

Sonny entered the restroom.

After successfully navigating the urinal—an achievement he had quietly begun to take pride in—he approached the sink.

And stopped.

It was like nothing he had ever seen before.

Sleek. Chrome. Minimalist.

Suspicious.

No knobs. No handles. No clear way to operate it.

Sonny narrowed his large, glowing eyes.

He gently touched the top.

Nothing.

He tapped it.

Nothing.

He leaned down and inspected the underside like he was analyzing a lightspeed accelerometer.

Then stepped back.

Arms crossed. Hand on chin.

Thinking.

He approached again.

“Perhaps it requires a verbal command.”

He cleared his throat.

“ON!”

Nothing.

He tried again.

“WATER!”

Nothing.

Now louder—

“WATER, ON!”

Silence.

The door creaked open. Chad walked in.

“Dude, what are you doing? They can hear you on the other side of the mall.”

Sonny didn’t look away from the sink.

“Chad…this sink appears to be a decoy. Water does not emit from it.”

Chad chuckled. “It’s automatic, man.”

Sonny blinked.

“Automatic…what?”

Chad stepped forward, dropped his bags, and casually placed his hands under the faucet.

Water flowed instantly.

Sonny’s eyes widened. “…it recognizes you.”

Chad paused. “…what?”

Sonny leaned in. “Be honest. Have you bonded with this machine?”

Chad smirked. “Yeah, we went on a date last week. It didn’t call me back though.”

Sonny stepped closer to the sink. “Does it know your DNA?”

Chad grabbed his bags. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Sonny turned, dead serious. “Chad, you are my closest Earth ally. Tell me the truth…how does this faucet know you?”

Chad started walking out. “BRO, IT’S AN AUTOMATIC SINK.”

Sonny slowly turned back, and stared at the faucet. “I’m on to you.”

He pulled out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Chad claims certain water dispensers operate via motion detection. However, the sink responded immediately to him…and resisted me. I suspect a selective recognition system. Possibly emotionally-based. DNA may also be involved. The machine seems to be forming bonds with its users.

Sonny slowly extended his hands under the faucet.

Nothing.

He froze.

Then—

Water.

Sonny’s eyes lit up. “I HAVE GAINED ITS TRUST.”

Earth Log Entry #13: Rational Vibes

Sonny sat at the kitchen table with a laptop open, several sheets of paper spread around him, and a pencil tucked behind his ear.

Chad walked in and stopped. “What are you doing…and why is our kitchen table covered in paper?”

Sonny looked up. “I took a special subbing assignment in home economics today. The students would not stop discussing this ‘March Madness.’ I am studying it.”

Chad nodded slowly. “Okay. Respect.”

Sonny looked back at his laptop. “At first I thought it was a mental disorder caused by the shifting of the clock.”

Chad reached into the fridge. “Naturally.”

Sonny continued. “But then I learned it is a single elimination tournament for the sport of intercollegiate basketball.”

Chad grabbed a bottle of chocolate milk. “Yeah…technically speaking.”

Sonny took the pencil from his ear and pointed it at the screen. “I have reviewed team records, strength of schedule, offensive efficiency, defensive efficiency, injury reports, coaching tendencies, rebounding rates, turnover percentages, and historical upset patterns.”

Chad sat down. “Uhh…okay.”

Sonny reached out and picked up one of the pieces of paper from the table. “I have also created a weighted prediction model…I am prepared to dominate the bracket.”

Chad leaned back. “It’s that serious, huh?”

Sonny looked over. “What data did you use to pick your bracket?”

Chad took a drink of his chocolate milk. “Vibes.”

Sonny stared at him.

Chad shrugged. “And mascots.”

Sonny’s face tightened. “…mascots?”

Chad grabbed a sports magazine and flipped it open. “Yeah. Like, if it’s a tiger versus a bird, I usually go tiger. Predator energy.”

Sonny slowly turned his laptop toward him. “I have spent three hours building a predictive framework.”

Chad nodded. “And I spent four minutes becoming spiritually aligned with the bracket.”

Sonny sat back in his chair. “That is not a method.”

Chad didn’t look up. “That’s where you’re wrong, dude. That is the method.”

Sonny frowned. “Humans claim to value reason. Yet you decide things based on ‘vibes’.”

Chad smirked. “Got us this far.”

Chad picked up his phone and started scrolling. “Whoa…High Point took down Wisconsin.”

Sonny snapped his head over and threw up his hands. “…vibes!”

Chad grinned. “Vibes.”

Sonny grabbed his Earth Log device and began typing.

Humans choose outcomes based on something called “vibes”. As they are the dominant species on Earth, it appears to be effective. I do not understand it. Chad’s bracket is crushing mine.

Earth Log Entry #12: The Misunderstood Assignment

Sonny sat at the kitchen table, sipping his tea and reading the newspaper.

Chad walked in. Green shirt. Green hat. Green beads.

Sonny looked up. “…why are you dressed as the color of Earth vegetation?”

Chad looked down at his outfit. “It’s St. Patrick’s Day, dude.”

Sonny nodded slowly. “…and that requires you to resemble plant life?”

Chad started making coffee. “It’s tradition.”

Sonny considered this. “…what is the purpose of the tradition?”

Chad shrugged. “People wear green and go to bars to drink.”

“…why?”

Chad paused. “…honestly, I’m not totally sure.”

Sonny thought about this. “So the ritual involves dressing in a chlorophyll-like manner and becoming intoxicated.”

“Pretty much.”

Sonny nodded thoughtfully. “Did Saint Patrick do these things?”

Chad grabbed a mug from the cupboard. “I doubt it.”

Sonny put the paper down. “Then it seems the humans have misunderstood the assignment.”

Chad looked over. “I guess so. You gonna come out tonight?”

Sonny clasped his hands and put them to his mouth. “Will there be intoxicated plant-like humans?”

Chad smirked. “Oh yeah.”

Sonny looked over at Chad and nodded. “Then yes. This I must observe.”

He took out his Earth Log device and started typing.

Humans celebrate another human called Saint Patrick by wearing the color of chlorophyll and imbibing alcoholic beverages. Chad says this is normal. I must observe.

Earth Log Entry #11: A Whole Different Operating System

Sonny, Vanessa, and Chad arrived exactly ten minutes early to the Fighting for Our Youth Annual Charity Gala.

Vanessa checked in at the front table.

Within thirty seconds she had learned the volunteer’s name, complimented her earrings, and asked how long she’d been involved with the organization.

Sonny leaned toward Chad. “Is she interrogating the staff?”

Chad shrugged. “She’s being friendly.”

Vanessa waved them over. “Guys! This is Melissa!”

Melissa smiled. “Welcome, nice to meet you!”

Sonny nodded politely. “…what are your intentions with this event?”

Melissa blinked. “My intentions?”

Vanessa laughed. “Oh my goodness, Sonny.”

Then she smiled at Melissa. “Sorry, he doesn’t get out much.”

Everyone laughed.

Sonny looked at Chad. “…that was a normal question.”

They walked toward the coat check.

Vanessa immediately struck up another conversation. “Oh my gosh I love your tie.”

The coat check attendant lit up. “Oh, thank you! My girlfriend got it for me.”

Sonny whispered to Chad. “She knows his relationship status already.”

Chad chuckled. “Sonny, that’s Firecracker for you. She makes friends faster than anyone I’ve ever met.”

Sonny nodded slowly. “Smart. The coat guardian controls access to the outer garments. This is a strategic alliance.”

Chad started fixing his tie. “It’s a coat check, Sonny.”

Vanessa disappeared into the room, and within minutes she had joined a small group laughing near the bar. Then another group near the stage. Then another group near the dessert table.

Sonny watched her move effortlessly from conversation to conversation. “Chad…she is forming alliances. She may control the room by midnight.”

Chad sipped his drink. “She’s networking.”

Sonny scanned the room. “I count fourteen new friends.”

Chad picked up an hors d’oeuvre and tossed it into his mouth. “Sounds about right.”

Vanessa waved them over again. “Guys, come meet Greg!”

They walked over.

Greg shook Sonny’s hand enthusiastically. “Nice to meet you!”

Sonny studied him carefully. “…what are your intentions with Vanessa?”

Greg blinked. “My intentions?”

Vanessa groaned. “He’s joking.”

Sonny turned to Chad. “I am not joking.”

Chad patted his shoulder. “You’ll get used to it.”

Across the room Vanessa was already talking to three more people.

Sonny watched her for a long moment. “Chad…how many friends does one human require?”

Chad shrugged. “Depends on the human.”

Sonny looked at the room. Then at Vanessa. Then back at Chad. After a long pause he sighed. “…I miss the apartment.”

He took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Some humans possess enormous social capacity and appear to enjoy interacting with other humans for no clear reason. Vanessa is one of these humans. I do not understand it. I must return to the quiet confines of the apartment soon.

Earth Log Entry #10: Attack from Above

Sonny and Chad sat on the couch watching television.

A calm evening. Peaceful. Predictable.

Then—

THUUUUD.

The ceiling shook.

Sonny froze.

“…Chad.”

“Yeah.”

“…something large has fallen.”

Chad didn’t look away from the TV. “They’re home.”

A long scraping, rolling sound rumbled across the ceiling.

RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Sonny’s eyes widened. “They are transporting a boulder.”

Chad shrugged. “Probably a chair.”

“Chad. This is not the sound of furniture. This is the sound of geological activity.”

Another BOOM.

Dust drifted from the ceiling vent.

Sonny stood up. “We must evacuate. Their structural integrity is questionable.”

“They do this sometimes,” Chad said. “Not much you can do.”

Sonny paced. “I must catalogue the noises.”

He began counting on his fingers. “Rolling object. Heavy footsteps. Sudden impacts. Occasional screaming.”

Chad nodded. “Yup.”

Sonny stopped. “…do you believe they are conducting ritual combat?”

Chad finally looked at him. “I think they just don’t take their shoes off.”

Another long roll across the ceiling.

Sonny stared upward. “…Chad.”

“Yeah.”

“If this is a chair…it is the largest chair on Earth.”

Chad sipped his drink. “Desk chair on hardwood.”

Sonny blinked. “…they are rolling across the floor while seated?”

“Yep.”

“…why?”

Chad shrugged. “Human.”

A violent THUD rattled the light fixture.

Sonny whispered, “They have dropped the boulder again.”

Chad muted the TV. “Alright. That one might’ve been a boulder.”

Sonny sat back down slowly.

“I have determined something important, Chad.”

“What’s that?”

“Earth dwellings are vertically incompatible with peace.”

Chad nodded. “You want the top floor next time, don’t you?”

Sonny stared at the ceiling as another rumble passed overhead.

“…yes.” A pause. “…but then I would become the problem.”

Chad smiled. “Now you’re getting it.”

Sonny folded his hands. “I will begin walking exclusively on my toes out of respect for the lower humans.”

Another thunderous THUD shook the ceiling.

Sonny looked up. “…they do not share this philosophy.”

Chad unmuted the TV. “Welcome to apartment life, buddy.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

Humans living communally must endure one another’s noise. Some are less conscientious. Structural integrity remains…uncertain. Objective: Acquire top floor apartment. Walk exclusively on toes.

Earth Log Entry #9: Love Bites

Sonny had been awake for an hour. He sat at the kitchen table eating a protein bar and reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Chad shuffled in, half-conscious.

“Good morning, Chad,” Sonny said cheerfully.

“Morning,” Chad croaked.

Chad started his coffee and grabbed the newspaper. “Ahh, Valentine’s Day. Just another day for us single people.”

Sonny stopped chewing. “Valentine’s Day?” he asked, tilting his head like a confused puppy.

Chad didn’t look up. “Yeah. Holiday where you celebrate love with your special person and blah blah blah. What are you and Firecracker doing?”

Sonny slowly set his book down. “A…love holiday?”

“Yeah. Happens every year.”

“EVERY year? And it is TODAY?”

“Yep.”

Sonny stood abruptly and began pacing. “My romantic standing on this planet may be in jeopardy.”

He sat back down and stared intensely at Chad. “What is the minimum acceptable tribute?”

Chad sipped his coffee. “Red roses. Chocolates. Stuffed animal. Dinner. Some people go bigger.”

Sonny leaned closer. “If I fail to perform adequately, will she withdraw her warmth?”

Chad flipped to the sports section. “…Potentially.”

Sonny grabbed a notepad and began writing furiously out loud. “Ten dozen red roses. Five boxes of chocolates. Three giant teddy bears. Dinner at Earth’s finest restaurant.”

Chad glanced over. “That’s way too much, dude.”

Sonny didn’t blink. “Overdeliver. Establish dominance.”

Chad went back to his paper. “She might be freaked out.”

Sonny stood, staring into the distance. “It is a risk I am prepared to assume.”

He grabbed his Earth Log Device and began typing.

Humans create holidays for many variables, including love. I was blindsided. I have recalibrated. I will dominate. Concern: Spatial limitations within my vehicular transportation.

Earth Log Entry #8: Sustenance Sticker Shock

Sonny and Chad sat in the booth waiting for their food.

Sonny was vibrating with excitement. “I have ordered optimally for muscle growth, Chad.”

Chad nodded. “Nice.”

A burger. Extra patty. Side of fries. Cheese curds. Dessert. Two waters.

Chad ordered a sandwich and a beer.

The food arrived and Sonny went to work like a construction crew demolishing a building.

Ten minutes later, nothing remained but crumbs and satisfaction.

Sonny leaned back. “That was outstanding. I feel prepared to lift a vehicle.”

The waitress dropped the check.

Chad picked it up. Paused. “…huh.”

Sonny tilted his head. “Is there an issue?”

Chad turned the check around.

$93.47

Sonny blinked.

“Chad.”

“Yeah.” Chad reached for his wallet.

“This paper says we have purchased an entire week of groceries.”

Chad shrugged. “Yeah, restaurants are kinda pricey now.”

Sonny pointed. “What is this ‘side of fries’ charge? The fries did not accompany the burger?”

“Nope.”

“And this ‘credit card surcharge’…they are charging us…for paying them?”

“Yep.”

“And we must also give them additional money because they carried the food ten feet to this table?”

“Uh huh.”

Sonny stared at the check like it had insulted his family.

“So the process is this,” Sonny said slowly. “They source and cook the food for less than we pay. We pay extra for parts of the food. We pay extra for using money. We pay extra for them to walk it to us. And then we leave.”

Chad nodded. “Pretty much.”

Sonny leaned back. “Chad…this establishment is a scam.”

Chad laughed. “You still wanna come back?”

Sonny thought for a long time. “…only if we are celebrating something very important. Like surviving a small war.”

Sonny took out his Earth Log device and began typing.

The cost of food varies wildly on Earth. It appears I have located the upper limit. Chad does not seem fazed by this. I will be returning to ALDI immediately.