Earth Log Entry #2: Seasonal Cinema Hierarchies
Sonny discovered Christmas movies accidentally.
He turned on the television seeking background noise.
Instead, he found Jingle All the Way.
Sonny sat down immediately.
A well-built human male was yelling. Another human male, a postman, was also yelling.
A child desired an object of great importance.
“This appears to be a quest,” Sonny said.
The humans on screen competed aggressively for a toy.
There were lies. There were disguises. There was mild lawlessness.
Sonny leaned forward.
“Yes,” he whispered. “This is excellent.”
The door opened.
Chad entered, carrying a bag of gifts and some leftovers, clearly exhausted from a family Christmas gathering.
He stopped when he saw the television. “Are you watching…Jingle All the Way?”
“Yes,” Sonny said. “It is a Christmas film.”
Chad scoffed. “That movie sucks.”
Sonny turned slowly. “Sucks…how?”
“It’s not a real Christmas movie,” Chad said, tossing his keys on the table. “It’s dumb. It’s loud. It’s just Arnold yelling.”
On screen, Arnold yelled again.
Sonny gestured toward the television. “He is demonstrating urgency.”
Chad rolled his eyes. “There are way better Christmas movies.”
“Name them,” Sonny said calmly.
“Home Alone. Elf. Die Hard.”
Sonny considered this. “Those are also loud,” Sonny said, “and involve criminal behavior.”
“That’s different,” Chad said. “Those are classics.”
Sonny frowned slightly. “In this film,” Sonny said, “a father endures humiliation, conflict, and physical danger to provide joy for his offspring.”
The Turbo Man doll appeared. Sonny nodded approvingly. “This aligns with Christmas values.”
Chad stared. “You’re taking this movie seriously?”
“Yes,” Sonny said. “It contains competition, sacrifice, deception, redemption, and a parade.”
On screen, chaos escalated. Sonny smiled.
“This is not merely a movie,” he said. “It is a documentary about human scarcity mindset.”
Chad sighed and collapsed onto the couch. “You’re impossible.”
Sonny did not look away from the screen. “I am enjoying this,” he said. “A great deal.”
Sonny took out his Earth Log device and started tapping away.
Humans rank holiday films according to nostalgia rather than objective merit. Loudness is acceptable if it occurred during childhood. I will continue watching this movie annually. Chad says this is embarrassing. I find it festive.
Chad glanced at the screen again. “Okay, but Sinbad is kind of funny.”
Sonny nodded and smirked slightly. “Progress,” he said.
